Digressions

I don't have much to do today. I can't pretend either to be doing anything really useful so to keep myself from sleeping I browsed the Amazing Jonathan's website and read some really sick jokes. The bits that made me really laugh are here.

Two morticians were talking and one says, "You HAVE to come into the back room. There's a female corpse back there that has a prawn sticking out of her vagina." The other says," WHAT! You're crazy!" So he goes in the back room and looks. "That's not a Prawn, you idiot! That's her clitoris!" "Gosh, it sure tasted like a prawn!" The other relied.

A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first grader to be using?"

A man call into work sick. This is the conversation.
Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day."
Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!"
Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick."
Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?"
Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."

An eighteen year old is sucking on the breast of a 90 year old woman when he notices a white milky substance coming from her breast. He says to her, "Hey, aren't you a bit old to have milk in your breasts?" She replies, "Yeah Sonny, but I'm not to old for breasts cancer!"

"Don't you hate it when you're kissing your Grandma and suddenly the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head? Ouch!"

A man comes home drunk one night and so he doesn't get into too much trouble he decides to orally satisfy his wife. He goes under the covers and does the deed. Afterwards, he decides to wash the unpleasant taste from his mouth and goes to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat is his wife. "How the hell did you beat me into the bathroom?" He asks amazed. "SHHHH!" She replied "Quiet, you'll wake mother. She's spending the night!"

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake. "The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

A girl is at her rape trial and is asked by the judge, "Can you describe for the jury just exactly what the defended did to you Miss?" "Well, your Honor" she replied in a hushed tone, "First he ripped off my blouse and fucked me between my titties. Then he forced me to take off my panties and he fucked me twice in my vagina. Then he ordered me to roll over and he fucked me hard in my ass. Then he came all over my face and my hair!" "And then what'd he do, Miss Smith?" The judge asked. "That's all your Honor." she sobbed. "NO!" cried the judge as he stood up with his hard cock in his hand, "Make SOMETHING UP QUICK!!!!"


I actually saved these jokes to my local pc but I just decided to blog it here lest some moronic network guys also had nothing to do and inspect my pc for stuff like this. :P